Cid Highwind's Rules of the Air
by vinvalen
Summary: If ya wanna work fer Highwind Aviation, there's a few things ya gotta understand... Rated T for language, but you know Cid. He's got a lot on his mind. Usual disclaimers apply!


Parts of this have been around forever, biut our favorite airship pilot decised he needed to add his own particular spin to the mix.

**CID HIGHWIND'S RULES OF THE AIR:**

**1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.**

If ya mess this one up in one of my craft and live to bitch about it, just keep goin'- fer all th' good it'll do ya. Galian's a good tracker.

**2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.**

Also a good way to find out if ya know yer ass from a hole in the ground, 'cause yer definitely gonna leave a crater if you get this one wrong.

**3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.**

So is scrapin' th' paint on one of my aircraft.

**4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.**

And no, I won't send Vincent to bail yer ass out. I'll probably ask him to send Chaos.

**5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.**

Fire belongs on th' end of a cigarette. Refer to 'Maintenance' section below.

**6. The propellers are just big fans on the airship used to keep the pilot cool. When they stop, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. **

This is why we do maintenance by my standards, not yours, and why I'm th' boss, and you ain't.

**7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.**

Except Tseng. I don't care what he says, I ain't buyin' it. If ya don't believe me, ask Zack or Cloud.

**8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which I can use the plane again.**

Remember numbers one an' three?

**9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.**

Especially after I get hold of ya.

**10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.**

If this happens, somethin' bigger'n you with a real bad attitude needs to have started it. See numbers one, three, and eight. If ya missed numbers one, three, and eight learn how to count, asshole.

**11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.**

It's an aircraft, dumbass-not a bobsled.

**12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.**

If ya ain't got a brain, ya don't have any business flyin' anything of mine anyway, moron.

**13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airship going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.**

We won't go into details about why ya should stay outta Cloud Strife.

**14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.**

Simple math, dipshits. Count on yer fingers if ya hafta.

**15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.**

Except me. I'll be glad to tell ya.

**16. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the planet repels them.**

Th' planet ain't repellin' th' helicopter. It's just repellin' Reno.

**17. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.**

An' Cloud or Yuffie (or both) prob'ly just barfed on somebody.

**18. In the ongoing battle between objects made of metal going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.**

Just like one of Dio's craps games-th' house always wins.

**19. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. **

Bad judgment is getting' caught in Genesis' jet trail. Especially when he's skywritin' quotes from Loveless.

**20. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.**

An' then there's Reno, but he don't know up from down or back from front anyhow. He never read Number 2.

**21. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. **And its prob'ly 1. Bigger'n you. 2. Lookin' to eat you, or 3. Considerin' yer potential as either matin' or nestin' material. If that don't worry ya' it should.

**22. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.**

A tenth of a second is not a big enough head start if I'm after yer ass.

**23. None of the above is open fer debate. Arguin' with me is like wrestlin' with a pig in th' mud, after awhile ya begin to think the pig likes it, an' you ain't gonna win anyhow.**

**Raises:**

**If you can whiz off the deck at 30,000 and hit the Shinra Tower, I'll give ya a raise. If you hit a Turk, especially Reno, I'll double it. If you hit Rufus, I'll triple it an' add a paid vacation.**

**Memo from the CEO of Air Rodent: (that's me, in case anybody fergot) Yer asses are required to be here next week fer th' unveilin' of my new airship 'Intercourse'. Fly united. Heh.**


End file.
